Gay and Lesbian Couples Parenting Opposite sex Children

Published: 01/01/2009 by Ann Wrixon, IAC Executive Director

Sometimes an IAC policy has completely unintended consequences. For example, IAC has a policy that does not allow adoptive parents to choose the sex of the child they adopt. This is to ensure that no baby is rejected at birth, or before, because they are the wrong sex. Birthparents are already dealing with so much that we don’t want to add the burden of worry about whether their baby is the right or wrong sex.
This policy has been questioned at various times, but when we explain the reasoning most people understand and support it. The policy is questioned for an entirely different reason, however, by some Lesbian and Gay couples. They are concerned about raising an opposite-sex child in a household with two parents of the same sex, and are concerned that their child might not have the same-sex role models they may need.
Of course, single parents have faced this issue since the beginning of time. Although research shows that 60 percent of single parents are women, single men also raise children. Women raise sons and men raise daughters. There is no research showing that the opposite-sex single parents are any less successful at raising their sons or daughters than parents who have same-sex children.
Still many Lesbian and Gay couples are concerned about this issue. To address this I have interviewed several couples to hear what they had to say about their experiences. Each couple is at a different stage of parenting, so each had a slightly different perspective.

Tim and Bentley’s Story (portrayed on cover)
Bentley and Tim Callahan are new parents of an infant baby girl, Maycn, who was born just this last October. I asked them when they considered adoption if the gender of the child was an issue for them? They both conceded that the prospective of a son seemed more familiar, as they didn’t necessarily know about girls intimately, but “they are both going to give us the same joy and the same challenges. Really it didn’t matter.”
They also talked about how they had a wider community of family and friends that included women and girls. They expressed confidence that their support network could help if they needed a female perspective on any issues their daughter faced as she grew up.
I asked Bentley if Macyn’s birthmother ever expressed any concerns about two men raising a daughter. Bentley explained, “We had a long match, so at first we didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl. Macyn’s birthmother was really focused on finding the best parents for her baby, not for her girl or her boy.”
Bentley also volunteered that he would be happy to be called “Momma” when Macyn is older, but then added, “but we will probably be Pappa and Daddy.” He also said that he expected them to honor Macyn’s birthmother on Mother’s Day, but beyond that they hadn’t figured out which parents to honor on which holiday or how to talk to the schools about this issue. They figure they still have many years to figure it out.

Camille and Rae’s Story
Camille King and Rae Lovko are a Lesbian couple, who are raising their now five-year-old son, Griffin. Camille admits that at first she was frightened of raising a boy, but realized it was due to the fact that she only had sisters and so didn’t have very much exposure to boys. Rae, on the other hand, had grown up with brothers, and had no fears about raising a boy.
Rae and Camille take very seriously their duty to find good role models for their son, and to raise him to be a healthy and productive man and member of society. They did have concerns that their son might be stigmatized because of his Lesbian parents, but they have found their community in the San Francisco Bay Area to be completely supportive.
Rae and Camille also noted that they have extended family throughout the country, and have even traveled internationally, but they have never experienced any negative reactions to their family.
Griffin’s birthmother was completely supportive of them raising a son. Griffin’s birthfather may not have been as open to the idea initially, but once he met Camille and Rae he embraced them as well.
Today Camille says, “I didn’t know how much fun it would be. There is so much beauty in the male energy, and that has been wonderful.” Both Camille and Rae also echo Bentley and Tim in the absolute joy of parenting regardless of the sex of your child.

Scott and Scott’s Story
Scott Hayes and Scott Porter are parents to two and a half year-old, Caroline. I asked if they had had any preference for a son. Scott H. explained “We are actually hoping for one of each, but also understood you get what you get, just like if you have a biological child. I think the thing we thought of the most with a girl was the parenting logistics. For example, taking her to the Men’s restroom when we visit a public place. Otherwise we had no real concerns.”
Caroline’s birthparents knew they were having a girl when they matched with Scott and Scott, but they never raised any concern about placing a daughter with two male parents. Like most birthparents they were really focused on making sure their daughter was raised in a healthy family, not on the sex or sexual orientation of the parents.
Scott and Scott, like both other couples interviewed, also felt that it was important to bring same-sex role models into their daughter’s life. They have many female relatives, including grandmothers and aunts, but no family near by. As a result they purposely chose a Lesbian couple to be Caroline’s Godmothers, so she has female role models who are nearby.
They also want to be sure that Caroline is exposed to other families like her own, and living in Atlanta, GA, there are fortunately many such resources. Not only does their church have many LGBT families with children, but they have found support at both Mega Family Project (http://www.megafamilyproject.com) and Family Equality Council (http://www.familyequality.org).